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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Man Mentions That People Have Said He Looks Like Tom Cruise

PEORIA, IL—According to 44-year-old C&G Financial Services actuary Morris Brewer, numerous people have noted that he looks like Tom Cruise. "Yeah, I get the Tom Cruise thing a lot," said Brewer, standing within earshot of C&G office manager Teresa Litt. "A guy just told me that a few weeks ago when I took my car in for repairs. And this woman who lived across the hall from me used to always say it. I think it's the eyes. We both sort of have that stare." Brewer noted that he has also drawn comparisons to David Duchovny, "particularly in the hair."

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