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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Area Man Misses Rental Car

SCHAUMBURG, IL—One week after returning to his 1994 Acura Integra following a business trip in Indianapolis, Schaumburg resident Gerry Davis, 52, said Tuesday that he still longs for the brief, exciting two-day period during which he had the opportunity to drive a blue 2006 Toyota Corolla. "That car had everything—leather seats, a moon-roof, a thing that tells you the temperature, even a CD player," said Davis, who fell in love with the vehicle after experiencing its "sparkling clean interior" and "the calming sound the turn signals made." "Plus, there was this thing on the keychain that lets you unlock the doors from 30 feet away. Man, I wish I had one of those." Davis admitted that he cannot get the image out of his head of another man driving the car that was his for that one short, magical weekend.

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