adBlockCheck

Area Man Misses Rental Car

Top Headlines

Recent News

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Area Man Misses Rental Car

SCHAUMBURG, IL—One week after returning to his 1994 Acura Integra following a business trip in Indianapolis, Schaumburg resident Gerry Davis, 52, said Tuesday that he still longs for the brief, exciting two-day period during which he had the opportunity to drive a blue 2006 Toyota Corolla. "That car had everything—leather seats, a moon-roof, a thing that tells you the temperature, even a CD player," said Davis, who fell in love with the vehicle after experiencing its "sparkling clean interior" and "the calming sound the turn signals made." "Plus, there was this thing on the keychain that lets you unlock the doors from 30 feet away. Man, I wish I had one of those." Davis admitted that he cannot get the image out of his head of another man driving the car that was his for that one short, magical weekend.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close