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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Man Mystified By Layout Of Adjacent Town’s Kroger

BELLEVUE, KY—Eyeing the shelves of products with visible puzzlement as he tentatively wandered up and down the grocery store’s aisles, Woodlawn resident Patrick Gatling admitted to being deeply mystified Thursday by the layout of the Kroger in the adjacent town of Bellevue. “I’m used to having the produce on the left side of the store, but when I walked in there was a whole bakery section right there, and the deli should be right after that but it’s all dairy products here,” said a perplexed Gatling, regularly glancing up at the signs hanging above each aisle as he continued a search for peanut butter that had exceeded eight minutes. “The Skippy should be right by the salad dressings in the third aisle, but they’ve got those next to all the pasta sauces. And why the hell is there a whole aisle for international foods?” After finding his desired items, sources reported that Gatling could be seen craning his neck around to locate the supermarket’s express checkout lanes before stopping to marvel at a tremendous stack of Coca-Cola 12-packs that he said was “unlike anything [he’d] ever seen before.”

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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