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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Area Man Mystified By Layout Of Adjacent Town’s Kroger

BELLEVUE, KY—Eyeing the shelves of products with visible puzzlement as he tentatively wandered up and down the grocery store’s aisles, Woodlawn resident Patrick Gatling admitted to being deeply mystified Thursday by the layout of the Kroger in the adjacent town of Bellevue. “I’m used to having the produce on the left side of the store, but when I walked in there was a whole bakery section right there, and the deli should be right after that but it’s all dairy products here,” said a perplexed Gatling, regularly glancing up at the signs hanging above each aisle as he continued a search for peanut butter that had exceeded eight minutes. “The Skippy should be right by the salad dressings in the third aisle, but they’ve got those next to all the pasta sauces. And why the hell is there a whole aisle for international foods?” After finding his desired items, sources reported that Gatling could be seen craning his neck around to locate the supermarket’s express checkout lanes before stopping to marvel at a tremendous stack of Coca-Cola 12-packs that he said was “unlike anything [he’d] ever seen before.”

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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