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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Area Man Mystified By Layout Of Adjacent Town’s Kroger

BELLEVUE, KY—Eyeing the shelves of products with visible puzzlement as he tentatively wandered up and down the grocery store’s aisles, Woodlawn resident Patrick Gatling admitted to being deeply mystified Thursday by the layout of the Kroger in the adjacent town of Bellevue. “I’m used to having the produce on the left side of the store, but when I walked in there was a whole bakery section right there, and the deli should be right after that but it’s all dairy products here,” said a perplexed Gatling, regularly glancing up at the signs hanging above each aisle as he continued a search for peanut butter that had exceeded eight minutes. “The Skippy should be right by the salad dressings in the third aisle, but they’ve got those next to all the pasta sauces. And why the hell is there a whole aisle for international foods?” After finding his desired items, sources reported that Gatling could be seen craning his neck around to locate the supermarket’s express checkout lanes before stopping to marvel at a tremendous stack of Coca-Cola 12-packs that he said was “unlike anything [he’d] ever seen before.”

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