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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Area Man Needs Two More Trips To Best Buy To Beat Xbox 360 Game

MONROEVILLE, PA—Local resident Ronald Franks could be as little as two Best Buy visits away from completing the Xbox 360 video game Gears of War, Franks said Tuesday. "I told [wife] Susan not to expect me for dinner tonight, because right now I'm at the Train Wreck and I'm about to take on a Berserker," said Franks, 35, who has been playing the game daily for nearly three weeks and brings his own memory card from home. "I'm thinking I can get through that pretty quickly because I'll use my sniper rifle. Then it's right to Troika Central to get to the main boss, General RAAM. I'll probably take a personal day to defeat RAAM." According to Susan Franks, he also spends several hours each weekend at a nearby Barnes & Noble copying the Gears of War Official Strategy Guide onto a legal pad he brings along with him.

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