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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Area Man Needs Two More Trips To Best Buy To Beat Xbox 360 Game

MONROEVILLE, PA—Local resident Ronald Franks could be as little as two Best Buy visits away from completing the Xbox 360 video game Gears of War, Franks said Tuesday. "I told [wife] Susan not to expect me for dinner tonight, because right now I'm at the Train Wreck and I'm about to take on a Berserker," said Franks, 35, who has been playing the game daily for nearly three weeks and brings his own memory card from home. "I'm thinking I can get through that pretty quickly because I'll use my sniper rifle. Then it's right to Troika Central to get to the main boss, General RAAM. I'll probably take a personal day to defeat RAAM." According to Susan Franks, he also spends several hours each weekend at a nearby Barnes & Noble copying the Gears of War Official Strategy Guide onto a legal pad he brings along with him.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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