Area Man Needs Two More Trips To Best Buy To Beat Xbox 360 Game

Top Headlines


Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Man Needs Two More Trips To Best Buy To Beat Xbox 360 Game

MONROEVILLE, PA—Local resident Ronald Franks could be as little as two Best Buy visits away from completing the Xbox 360 video game Gears of War, Franks said Tuesday. "I told [wife] Susan not to expect me for dinner tonight, because right now I'm at the Train Wreck and I'm about to take on a Berserker," said Franks, 35, who has been playing the game daily for nearly three weeks and brings his own memory card from home. "I'm thinking I can get through that pretty quickly because I'll use my sniper rifle. Then it's right to Troika Central to get to the main boss, General RAAM. I'll probably take a personal day to defeat RAAM." According to Susan Franks, he also spends several hours each weekend at a nearby Barnes & Noble copying the Gears of War Official Strategy Guide onto a legal pad he brings along with him.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close