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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She’ll Settle

WASHINGTON—Visibly anxious after bringing his longtime girlfriend to local pub The Bier Baron, area man Noel Johnson reportedly got down on one knee Friday and finally mustered the courage to ask Amanda Spaid whether she was willing to settle for him. “Amanda, will you disregard the vision of an ideal husband you’ve been building up in your mind since you were a little girl and marry, for whatever reason, me?” Johnson reportedly asked as he produced the only ring he was able to afford on his meager salary as a computer salesman, a job that would likely prevent Spaid from being able to enjoy a level of material comfort that she could have easily attained with one of millions of other potential mates. “Realistically, just based on my mediocre personality, genetic shortcomings, and substandard romantic and sexual abilities, I’m not going to make you the happiest woman in the world. But I guess what I’m asking is: Will you spend the rest of your life with me, a guy who, at this point in time, is probably your most sensible option?” Spaid went on to express surprise upon realizing Johnson was willing to throw away all of his freedom and independence for, of all people, her.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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