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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She’ll Settle

WASHINGTON—Visibly anxious after bringing his longtime girlfriend to local pub The Bier Baron, area man Noel Johnson reportedly got down on one knee Friday and finally mustered the courage to ask Amanda Spaid whether she was willing to settle for him. “Amanda, will you disregard the vision of an ideal husband you’ve been building up in your mind since you were a little girl and marry, for whatever reason, me?” Johnson reportedly asked as he produced the only ring he was able to afford on his meager salary as a computer salesman, a job that would likely prevent Spaid from being able to enjoy a level of material comfort that she could have easily attained with one of millions of other potential mates. “Realistically, just based on my mediocre personality, genetic shortcomings, and substandard romantic and sexual abilities, I’m not going to make you the happiest woman in the world. But I guess what I’m asking is: Will you spend the rest of your life with me, a guy who, at this point in time, is probably your most sensible option?” Spaid went on to express surprise upon realizing Johnson was willing to throw away all of his freedom and independence for, of all people, her.

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