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Area Man Never In Mood To Do Things He Hasn't Done Before

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Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Rival Dojo In For Big Surprise At Regionals

ASHBURN, VA—Local 15-year-old Clint Hrabik, a second kyū brown belt at Ashburn Enshin Karate, issued a statement Wednesday indicating that rival dojo Falls Church Enshin Karate was in for a big surprise at regionals this year.

Woman Sets Google Alert For Kevin Costner

'It'll Just Be Easier This Way'

RUTLAND, VT—Saying that the service is easy to set up and will make her life a lot less complicated, area woman Julie Clifford told reporters today that instead of constantly searching for the latest online news about Kevin Costner, she plans to jus...

Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy

Pint-Sized Muscleman Can Lift Entire Frozen Turkey Over Head

WILLIAMSON, NY—Seven-year-old elementary school student Michael Sartinsky has once again wowed the nation with the latest impromptu demonstration of his almost superhuman strength, this time lifting an entire frozen turkey clear over his head and ho...

Wow Factor Added To Corporate Presentation

CHARLOTTE, NC—Sources confirmed that the wow factor—an intangible set of viscerally pleasing features that instill onlookers with a feeling of exhilaration and intense interest—was successfully added to this Thursday’s upcoming PowerPoint presentation.

Area Man Looking For Whatever The Hell Is Beeping

DELMAR, NY—Craig Mitich, 27, has spent 20 minutes searching his apartment for whatever the hell is emitting a high-pitched beep every few minutes. "Okay, it's not my cell phone... it's not my microwave... or my car-alarm remote," said Mitich, standing motionless with an ear cocked toward his entertainment center. "God, what is it? Can a power strip beep?" At press time, Mitich was on his hands and knees, unplugging his appliances one by one.
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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

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Area Man Never In Mood To Do Things He Hasn't Done Before

DAVENPORT, IA—Continually claiming that he’s “not up for stuff like that right now,” local resident Andrew Hughes, 27, is apparently never in the mood to take part in things he’s never done before, family and friends confirmed Friday. “Eh, that’s not really for me,” said Hughes, who regularly expresses a reluctance to engage in activities outside his normal routine of television, sitting, showering, bowling, going to work, playing video games, and grocery shopping. “I don’t feel like doing it because it would make me uncomfortable. Seems kind of like a hassle.” At press time, Hughes was reportedly feeling in the mood to do any of the eight things he’s already done.

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