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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Man Never Leaves House Without Putting On Lucky Everything

BOISE, ID—Area resident Tom Watson, 32, told coworkers yesterday that he never leaves his house without putting on his lucky hat, jacket, scarf, shirt, pants, underwear, shoes, sock, and other sock. "Yes, people might call me superstitious, but I know when I see the sun every morning that I have these to thank," said Watson, pointing to his lucky belt and galoshes. "And no one can deny the fact that I was in this outfit when my brother-in-law bought that winning $10 scratch ticket." Watson added that he has paid especially close attention to his fortunes since being diagnosed in 1993 with a "one-in-a-million" form of eye cancer.

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