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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Man No Longer Playing Up Resemblance To Kevin Spacey

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Put off by such films as The Life Of David Gale, The Shipping News, and K-PAX, local insurance salesman Brian Vandervelt, 37, is no longer playing up his resemblance to Academy Award-winning actor Kevin Spacey. "From the time of Glengarry Glen Ross up through American Beauty, I was loving all the Spacey comparisons," Vandervelt told reporters Tuesday. "But after four years of smug, self-righteous crap like Pay It Forward, it's a different story." Until Spacey stops playing repellently soulful saviors of humanity, Vandervelt said he will play up his resemblance to a young Bob Newhart.

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