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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Man Not Exactly Sure Why Doctor Needed Him Undressed For That

OREM, UT—A routine visit to the doctor ended in confusion Monday when Ray Lyons was asked to undress for an examination that did not seem to require disrobing. "He asked me about my smoking and my sleep patterns and stuff, then he looked in my ears and throat, and checked my heartbeat with his stethoscope, and that was it," the baffled, nude Lyons said. "Would having my pants on somehow affect my heartbeat?"

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