Area Man Not Exactly Sure Why Doctor Needed Him Undressed For That

In This Section

Vol 35 Issue 08

Granta Derided By Philistines

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Granta, the award-winning quarterly literary magazine that features the finest in fiction, non-fiction, memoirs, interviews, essays and reportage, was derided Monday by a group of ignorant, uncultured philistines. "I was sitting in a local sub shop, enjoying a devastatingly witty Saul Bellow piece in the latest Granta, when I distinctly heard three philistines at the next table mocking my choice of reading material," said University of North Carolina graduate student Ira Green. "Apparently, there's something about engrossing, top-notch writing that these three primitives find amusing."

Slight Inconsistency Found In Bible

STILLWATER, OK—The world's theological community is in an uproar following Monday's discovery of a slight inconsistency in the Bible. "I was reading Jeremiah 17:4, in which God says, 'Ye have kindled a fire in mine anger, which shall burn forever,'" said Pastor Theodore Strait of First Lutheran Church in Stillwater. "And I immediately recalled Jeremiah 3:12, which says, 'For I am merciful, saith the Lord, and I will not keep anger forever.' I thought, how can this possibly be? The Bible, contradicting itself?" Biblical scholars are scrambling to explain the strange paradox, believed to be the first time a passage in the Bible has been found to contain flaws in logic.

Fox Ordered To Cancel Upcoming When Presidents Are Assassinated Live Special

WASHINGTON, DC—The White House and the FBI have ordered Fox to cancel Friday's When Presidents Are Assassinated live television special. "I'm disappointed, to say the least," Fox vice-president of programming Warren Davidoff said of the one-hour prime-time event's cancellation. "Presidential assassinations are an unfortunate fact of life in this country, and the American public has a right to see what really happens when a president is gunned down in cold blood."

Porn Actress Very Nearly Appears To Enjoy Ejaculation In Face

LOS ANGELES—Detachment and boredom were very nearly concealed Monday when 1.5 ounces of semen were ejaculated into the face of adult-film star Brittany Silk, 20, on the set of Butt-Fuck Sluts Go Nuts Vol. 31, forthcoming from Mustang Entertainment. "Brittany really did a great job with that scene," director Rodney Campos said. "She practically made it look like she loved having [co-star] Rick [Steed] shoot his hot, steaming load all over her face."

Babes In The Woods

It is Day 12 of my precipitous fall into destitution and subsequent flight from justice. Imagine—I, T. Herman Zweibel (or rather, my alias, Herman T. Zwiebel), once the richest and most powerful plutocrat in the Republic, must now fight for survival in the desolate wilderness. Even my liberty is in peril: I am the target of a man-hunt, because, by abandoning my lost estate, I am in defiance of the court-order that confined me there. O Fate! What a cruel mistress you are!

I Have Newfound Respect For Yasmine Bleeth After Reading This Month's Maxim

Though I've long been familiar with actress Yasmine Bleeth from her work on Baywatch, I've never been lucky enough to catch one of her rare talk-show appearances. That's why I was so thrilled when I passed a newsstand and happened to notice her on the cover of this month's Maxim magazine. Eager to learn more about what makes this up-and-coming young actress tick, I purchased the issue. It was the best decision I've made in quite some time.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Innovation

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Area Man Not Exactly Sure Why Doctor Needed Him Undressed For That

OREM, UT—A routine visit to the doctor ended in confusion Monday when Ray Lyons was asked to undress for an examination that did not seem to require disrobing. "He asked me about my smoking and my sleep patterns and stuff, then he looked in my ears and throat, and checked my heartbeat with his stethoscope, and that was it," the baffled, nude Lyons said. "Would having my pants on somehow affect my heartbeat?"

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More