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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Man Now Checks Inside Boat In Driveway Every Morning

WAUKEGAN, IL—After learning Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar Tsarnaev had been hiding inside a boat parked in a Massachusetts man’s backyard, 46-year-old Ethan Bryer told reporters Wednesday that he now makes sure to check the interior of his 30-foot bowrider every morning. “After what happened in Watertown, I’m not taking any chances,” said Bryer, explaining that before leaving for work, he always carefully lifts the tarp of his boat with a baseball bat in hand. “These days, you never know who could be hiding in there. I check my boat before going to bed at night, too.” At press time, Bryer was slowly approaching his boat.

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