Area Man On Personal Mission To Explain Why Universally Enjoyed Things Are Bad

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Man On Personal Mission To Explain Why Universally Enjoyed Things Are Bad

Lerner says it is his “sacred duty” to inform people that the things they like are not good.
Lerner says it is his “sacred duty” to inform people that the things they like are not good.

RICHMOND, VA—Describing it as “his life’s calling,” local man Gary Lerner, 31, revealed Thursday that he is on a personal quest to enlighten the world about why things everybody enjoys are actually bad.

Lerner, whose stated mission is to explain to his fellow human beings why any appreciation of their favorite movies, music, television, and books is entirely misplaced, told reporters that whenever he hears a group of people unanimously praising something, the task of correcting them always falls upon him.

“If there is a thing that is universally cherished, then I have an obligation to help people understand why they’re wrong for liking it,” said Lerner, adding that while it’s tempting to let his friends simply enjoy a new song or TV show, he ultimately has a responsibility to point out its every flaw until it is utterly ruined for them. “I can’t, for example, stand by in good conscience while everyone talks about how much they love Exile On Main St.. Not when the guitar riffs don’t have nearly the inventiveness or clarity of the Rolling Stones’ earlier work and, let’s be honest, the lyrics are hardly among Jagger’s best.”

“At the end of the day, it isn’t right for the greater public to simply take pleasure in whatever they happen to like,” Lerner continued. “I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen.”

According to Lerner, rather than acknowledging that a film like The Dark Knight Rises is entertaining, the way a normal person might, he has a special duty to argue that it is, in fact, completely horrible. Describing the movie as “an overhyped snooze,” Lerner noted that director Christopher Nolan is a ponderous and only marginally talented filmmaker, and that no serious person could possibly enjoy the performance of Christian Bale, an actor Lerner described as “not nearly as good as people think he is.”

Among the many other widely beloved things that Lerner has reportedly made it his mission to invalidate are the original Star Wars trilogy, the Olympics, actor Daniel Day-Lewis, chocolate, the Beatles, Vincent van Gogh, central air-conditioning, and the Internet.

“People need to realize—and it is my objective to make them realize—that afternoons spent relaxing at the beach are completely overrated, as is summertime in general,” Lerner said. “And fall. All of the holidays, too—at least the major ones.”

“Same goes for smartphones, the novels of F. Scott Fitzgerald, and most types of beer,” Lerner added. “It’s like, whatever makes people happy and puts a big ol’ dopey grin on their face, they just eat it right up. Well, I simply will not stand for it.”

Along with his campaign to disparage things everyone loves, Lerner confirmed that he also takes it upon himself to defend things everyone hates by lamenting how scandalously underrated they are.

“You know, Godfather III is actually not that bad,” Lerner said. “If you look at it in terms of the overarching story, it’s actually a really fitting end to the saga, because you finally get to see Michael feel remorse for the things he did in the first two movies. I’m not sure anybody else really got that.”

So far, sources confirmed, Lerner has had some success in his crusade, making his sister-in-law Jennifer feel stupid for saying she enjoys bike rides in the park and shaming his roommate Michael into agreeing that blue jeans really aren’t so great after all.

“The other day I mentioned how I’m looking forward to the next three-day weekend, and that really set Gary off,” said coworker Nick Powell, 28, adding that his officemates have learned that when Lerner is around they should avoid mentioning anything that brings them happiness. “He went on this long rant about how three days isn’t enough time to take a big trip and only makes it tougher to adjust back to a regular schedule when it’s over.”

“He had a point, I guess, but goddamn it,” Powell added. “I wanted to punch him right in his smug fucking face.”

When reached for comment, Lerner told reporters that ending a news story with a follow-up comment from a source was a “lame and hacky” journalistic technique.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close