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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Area Man Only Reads Books About Movies, TV, Music

GLENDALE, AZ–When Matt Kaiser gets tired of watching movies or TV, or listening to music, there's nothing he likes better than to curl up in his favorite chair and escape into a good book about movies, TV, or music.

Matt Kaiser and some of his many books.

"You can only watch TV for so long," Kaiser said. "After a while, you need something a little more mentally stimulating. That's when I like to crack open one of my favorite books about TV, like The Nitpickers Guide To Star Trek or The Real Real World. Or, if I'm tired of television altogether, I'll read up on the making of Titanic or flip through one of my many video or music guides. It's a relaxing and contemplative time for me."

Added Kaiser: "I just don't understand people who don't like books."

Kaiser, 26, an information-technologies administrator with Datco Industries in Phoenix, has been reading about movies, TV, and music ever since he was a child.

"My love affair with books began when I was eight," Kaiser said. "For my birthday, my parents gave me a novelization of a Diff'rent Strokes episode, and from that moment on, I was hooked."

Today, Kaiser calls himself "a confirmed bibliophile," and his apartment shows it: Tucked in amongst his stereo, DVD player, VCR, and three TVs are literally hundreds of books about movies, TV, and music–everything from The Brady Bible to 'Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy (And Other Misheard Lyrics).

"I used to read a lot more magazines," Kaiser said, "but once you've read a good book, magazines don't quite cut it. I like Entertainment Weekly and Rolling Stone as much as the next guy, but they just don't have the depth of, say, Entertainment Weekly's 1999 Year In Movies or The Rolling Stone Record Guide."

Kaiser credits his reading habit with making him a more well-rounded person.

"I can't imagine that anyone with a basic appreciation of culture wouldn't enjoy educating themselves on, say, the history of The Ed Sullivan Show or the art of the Star Wars movies," Kaiser said. "I recently read There Are Places I'll Remember, a great photo book of locations from Beatles songs accompanied by the original lyrics. And that, in turn, has kindled my interest in other Beatles photo books. That's how you discover new things."

"I'll always treasure the gift of reading," said Kaiser, who is currently reading Come As You Are: The Story Of Nirvana. "Books can transport the reader to magical places inside the world of other forms of media."

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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