adBlockCheck

Area Man Perfectly Content With Role As Another Cog In The Wheel

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Area Man Perfectly Content With Role As Another Cog In The Wheel

HARTFORD, CT—Saying that he enjoyed the ease and straightforwardness of his daily routine, local office worker Joel Shoppach, 41, expressed his contentment Tuesday at being just another cog in the wheel. “It’s nice—I just have one simple function that I do over and over again each day, and that’s it,” said Shoppach, who explained that he was “perfectly happy” being one of thousands of nearly identical components that cycle endlessly through their own basic individual tasks to facilitate the workings of a large, overarching apparatus. “Really all I’ve had to do for the past 15 years is come in at nine, perform an incredibly minor role in a rote, mechanical process, and then leave for the day, so I can’t complain. I’m actually pretty good at being a miniscule part of a large machine.” Shoppach added that he is equally content to return home after work and play an extremely minor role in the functioning of his family as well.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close