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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man Perfectly Content With Role As Another Cog In The Wheel

HARTFORD, CT—Saying that he enjoyed the ease and straightforwardness of his daily routine, local office worker Joel Shoppach, 41, expressed his contentment Tuesday at being just another cog in the wheel. “It’s nice—I just have one simple function that I do over and over again each day, and that’s it,” said Shoppach, who explained that he was “perfectly happy” being one of thousands of nearly identical components that cycle endlessly through their own basic individual tasks to facilitate the workings of a large, overarching apparatus. “Really all I’ve had to do for the past 15 years is come in at nine, perform an incredibly minor role in a rote, mechanical process, and then leave for the day, so I can’t complain. I’m actually pretty good at being a miniscule part of a large machine.” Shoppach added that he is equally content to return home after work and play an extremely minor role in the functioning of his family as well.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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