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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Area Man Perfectly Content With Role As Another Cog In The Wheel

HARTFORD, CT—Saying that he enjoyed the ease and straightforwardness of his daily routine, local office worker Joel Shoppach, 41, expressed his contentment Tuesday at being just another cog in the wheel. “It’s nice—I just have one simple function that I do over and over again each day, and that’s it,” said Shoppach, who explained that he was “perfectly happy” being one of thousands of nearly identical components that cycle endlessly through their own basic individual tasks to facilitate the workings of a large, overarching apparatus. “Really all I’ve had to do for the past 15 years is come in at nine, perform an incredibly minor role in a rote, mechanical process, and then leave for the day, so I can’t complain. I’m actually pretty good at being a miniscule part of a large machine.” Shoppach added that he is equally content to return home after work and play an extremely minor role in the functioning of his family as well.

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