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Area Man Perpetually In Process Of Buying Or Selling Car

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.
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Area Man Perpetually In Process Of Buying Or Selling Car

MARION, IL—Local resident Don Liman, 49, is almost constantly in the process of buying, selling, or preparing to buy or sell a car, sources reported Monday.

Liman with a 1985 Corolla he is considering buying.

"That's Don for you," said Russell Flange, Liman's neighbor. "We always say old Donnie's got a one-car car lot instead of a driveway. There's a Sable wagon for sale in front of his house right now."

"It's not easy to find the exact right car," said Liman, whose search for the ideal car is now entering its 13th year. "But with a little hard work and some basic know-how, you can get yourself something great that really lasts."

Since beginning his cycle of used-car ownership in 1989, Liman has bought and subsequently sold 11 vehicles, mostly compact or midsize family models.

"Sure, you can buy new. But why bother when, if you know what you're doing, you can get a really decent used car for a couple thousand dollars?" said Liman, who has put an average of $1,800 into each of his used-car purchases before ultimately growing dissatisfied and selling the vehicles. "Once you know what to look for, you can usually get what you want for a song. Then you just fix up any little problems the car might have, and you've got a good-as-new used car that'll last you for years."

Liman's current car, a 1992 Mercury Sable station wagon, replaced his 1989 Toyota Corolla when he decided he needed "something with a little more road-hugging weight." Liman is now looking to sell the Sable to purchase a car that's "a little more nimble and with better mileage—not such a road hog."

"Take this one, here," said Liman, circling an ad in one of the many pages of used-car classifieds littering his kitchen table. "An '87 Volvo 240 DL for just $1,900 over in Carbondale. Probably some college student who doesn't need it or couldn't be bothered with the upkeep. Popular car, not much fun, weak steering boxes, tend to go through bushings a little too fast. Plus, a lot of Volvos have diesel engines, and diesel fuel is a real hassle to get at the gas station, especially around here. A lot of guys just want to trade them in for something that runs on unleaded. But, let me tell you, no car's perfect. It's probably worth giving this guy a call."

Hal Presser, editor of West-End Valu Shopper, said Liman is a familiar face around the office of the sales circular.

"Every six months or so, Don will spend a couple consecutive Thursdays in the office when the new ads come in, poring over every one of them," said Presser, who in 1999 purchased a car from Liman, a "squirrely" 1991 Volkswagen Golf that his wife drove for two years before selling it back to Liman last April. "At first, it was kind of strange. But I suppose he's probably gotten to a few cars he wouldn't have otherwise. I guess."

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