Area Man Perpetually In Process Of Buying Or Selling Car

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Vol 38 Issue 08

Paleontology Class Winces Whenever Fundamentalist Kid Raises Hand

STATE COLLEGE, PA— The 24 other students in a Penn State Paleontology 101 discussion section wince with dread whenever fundamentalist Christian Joseph Moseley raises his hand, classmates reported Tuesday. "As soon as that guy's hand shoots up, the whole class tenses up and is like, 'Oh, God, here we go again,'" classmate Colin Herberger said. "I think he thinks he plays a valuable role in the class, acting as the 'opposing viewpoint,' but it's just annoying."

Area Man Plays 'Imagine' Every Time He Sees A Piano

SALEM, OR— Friends of Bill Moreland expressed irritation Monday over the 29-year-old's habit of playing John Lennon's "Imagine" whenever a piano is in sight. "It's like this desperate grab for attention he tries to pass off as totally casual," friend Alan Carter said. "He'll sit down at the piano with this really deep look on his face, then launch into those really simple first few bars, expecting everyone to be amazed and moved." Friends say the habit has persisted since Moreland was in the fifth grade, when he switched to "Imagine" from the Jaws theme.

Dog Chastised For Acting Like Dog

SACRAMENTO, CA— Obeying the instincts bred into him by millions of years of evolution, Shiner, a 2-year-old golden retriever, incurred his owner's wrath Monday by acting like a dog. "Stop barking at that damn squirrel!" Terri Solanis shouted at the dog. "Can't you sit still for five minutes?" Solanis has previously scolded Shiner for sniffing feces encountered on the sidewalk, licking his own groin, and wolfing down his food.

U.N. Tribunal Swayed By Thousands Of Children's Letters To Milosevic

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS— Members of the U.N. war-crimes tribunal were swayed in favor of former Yugoslav president Slobodan Milosevic Monday, when sack after sack of letters from children around the world were heaped onto the presiding judge's desk. "Dear Mr. Milosevic, please get out of jail soon!" read one letter from 6-year-old Brittany White of Houston. Another, from 10-year-old Xiang Xiu of Beijing, read: "We love you, Slobodan! The children of China pray for you!!!" Judge Richard George May, deeply moved by the outpouring of love, ruled that Milosevic is a treasure to children of all ages and then freed him with a bang of his gavel.

Book-Club Meeting Degenerates Into Discussion Of Oscars

MINOT, ND— A weekly meeting of the Minot Public Library's "Book Buddies" club degenerated into a discussion of the upcoming Academy Awards Tuesday. "We were talking about that week's book, A Bend In The Road by Nicholas Sparks, when somebody asked if anyone had seen the movie version of [Sparks'] A Walk To Remember," group leader Ellen Talmadge said. "Then Bill [Polk] asked if anybody had seen John Q. After that, we never really got back to the book." Talmadge added that she considers Nicole Kidman "a lock" for her performance in Moulin Rouge.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Business

Area Man Perpetually In Process Of Buying Or Selling Car

MARION, IL—Local resident Don Liman, 49, is almost constantly in the process of buying, selling, or preparing to buy or sell a car, sources reported Monday.

Liman with a 1985 Corolla he is considering buying.

"That's Don for you," said Russell Flange, Liman's neighbor. "We always say old Donnie's got a one-car car lot instead of a driveway. There's a Sable wagon for sale in front of his house right now."

"It's not easy to find the exact right car," said Liman, whose search for the ideal car is now entering its 13th year. "But with a little hard work and some basic know-how, you can get yourself something great that really lasts."

Since beginning his cycle of used-car ownership in 1989, Liman has bought and subsequently sold 11 vehicles, mostly compact or midsize family models.

"Sure, you can buy new. But why bother when, if you know what you're doing, you can get a really decent used car for a couple thousand dollars?" said Liman, who has put an average of $1,800 into each of his used-car purchases before ultimately growing dissatisfied and selling the vehicles. "Once you know what to look for, you can usually get what you want for a song. Then you just fix up any little problems the car might have, and you've got a good-as-new used car that'll last you for years."

Liman's current car, a 1992 Mercury Sable station wagon, replaced his 1989 Toyota Corolla when he decided he needed "something with a little more road-hugging weight." Liman is now looking to sell the Sable to purchase a car that's "a little more nimble and with better mileage—not such a road hog."

"Take this one, here," said Liman, circling an ad in one of the many pages of used-car classifieds littering his kitchen table. "An '87 Volvo 240 DL for just $1,900 over in Carbondale. Probably some college student who doesn't need it or couldn't be bothered with the upkeep. Popular car, not much fun, weak steering boxes, tend to go through bushings a little too fast. Plus, a lot of Volvos have diesel engines, and diesel fuel is a real hassle to get at the gas station, especially around here. A lot of guys just want to trade them in for something that runs on unleaded. But, let me tell you, no car's perfect. It's probably worth giving this guy a call."

Hal Presser, editor of West-End Valu Shopper, said Liman is a familiar face around the office of the sales circular.

"Every six months or so, Don will spend a couple consecutive Thursdays in the office when the new ads come in, poring over every one of them," said Presser, who in 1999 purchased a car from Liman, a "squirrely" 1991 Volkswagen Golf that his wife drove for two years before selling it back to Liman last April. "At first, it was kind of strange. But I suppose he's probably gotten to a few cars he wouldn't have otherwise. I guess."

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