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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Man Plays 'Imagine' Every Time He Sees A Piano

SALEM, OR— Friends of Bill Moreland expressed irritation Monday over the 29-year-old's habit of playing John Lennon's "Imagine" whenever a piano is in sight. "It's like this desperate grab for attention he tries to pass off as totally casual," friend Alan Carter said. "He'll sit down at the piano with this really deep look on his face, then launch into those really simple first few bars, expecting everyone to be amazed and moved." Friends say the habit has persisted since Moreland was in the fifth grade, when he switched to "Imagine" from the Jaws theme.

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