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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Man Pretty Shaken Up After Running Into Casual Acquaintance At CVS

NEW YORK—A full 20 minutes after running into casual acquaintance Dan Ehrlemeyer at a CVS drugstore Wednesday and exchanging pleasant small talk with him, area man Jason Ditmas, 32, told reporters he was still really shaken up by the experience. "There I am in the toothpaste aisle, and before I can walk away pretending I haven't seen him, he makes eye contact, and bam—I'm talking about what I've been up to lately with this guy I've never seen before in a context like that," said a still-reeling Ditmas, who upon exiting the store deliberately walked in a different direction from Ehrlemeyer, stopping around the next corner to take some deep breaths and gather his composure. "My God. In a CVS of all places." Ditmas later returned to the drugstore to pick up additional items, including antiperspirant and a hair-care product, that he was reportedly uncomfortable purchasing in Ehrlemeyer’s presence.

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