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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Area Man Pretty Shaken Up After Running Into Casual Acquaintance At CVS

NEW YORK—A full 20 minutes after running into casual acquaintance Dan Ehrlemeyer at a CVS drugstore Wednesday and exchanging pleasant small talk with him, area man Jason Ditmas, 32, told reporters he was still really shaken up by the experience. "There I am in the toothpaste aisle, and before I can walk away pretending I haven't seen him, he makes eye contact, and bam—I'm talking about what I've been up to lately with this guy I've never seen before in a context like that," said a still-reeling Ditmas, who upon exiting the store deliberately walked in a different direction from Ehrlemeyer, stopping around the next corner to take some deep breaths and gather his composure. "My God. In a CVS of all places." Ditmas later returned to the drugstore to pick up additional items, including antiperspirant and a hair-care product, that he was reportedly uncomfortable purchasing in Ehrlemeyer’s presence.

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