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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Area Man Pretty Sure He Knows Which Athletes Are Gay

TOLEDO, OH—Area man Arnold Pera, 26, bragged to several of his friends Sunday that "nine times out of 10" he can tell whether an athlete is gay or not. "Sometimes it's the way they talk or interact with their teammates, but a lot of times I can tell just by watching them play," said Pera, directing his friends' attention to a TV screen at the bar in order to point out a pitcher's windup that he described as "a telltale sign of a total homo." "No athletes really ever come out and say they're gay, but they might as well, because it's totally obvious. I could easily tell you 20 or 30 gay basketball players right off the top of my head." While Pera claims to have mastered the ability of deciphering athletes' sexual orientations simply by watching them, the married father of two has reportedly not yet picked up on the one overwhelming piece of evidence that he, himself, is homosexual.

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