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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Man Pretty Sure It's Not Broken

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Despite coming down on it pretty hard, area man Doug Grissett maintained his position Thursday that it is not broken. "I didn't hear a pop," said Grissett, claiming that it only hurts a little when you push it right here. Grissett also confirmed that he can move it like this, and like this, but when he tries to move it like this, ah fuck. He added, "This happened once last August, the same thing. It's probably nothing." At press time, it has swelled up to the size of a cantaloupe.

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