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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Area Man Pretty Sure It's Not Broken

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Despite coming down on it pretty hard, area man Doug Grissett maintained his position Thursday that it is not broken. "I didn't hear a pop," said Grissett, claiming that it only hurts a little when you push it right here. Grissett also confirmed that he can move it like this, and like this, but when he tries to move it like this, ah fuck. He added, "This happened once last August, the same thing. It's probably nothing." At press time, it has swelled up to the size of a cantaloupe.

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