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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Man Proud He Can Still Fit Into Car From High School

NAPA, CA—Wiggling from side to side as he forcibly wedged his torso into the driver's seat of a 1992 Ford Festiva, local man Michael Kerson told reporters Friday he couldn't help but take a little pride in the fact that he could still fit into his car from high school. "I had a hard time getting the belt fastened at first, but once I reclined the seat, tucked my gut under the steering wheel, and got the strap pulled up higher on my chest, I managed to do it," Kerson said as he shifted his weight to better fit the interior contours of the 5-foot-wide, 2,000-pound vehicle, adding that being able to get into the car in one try was more than he could say for most of his friends. "I have to suck in my stomach, but there's still room. Just barely, though. I may have my mechanic let the doors out a little." At press time, sources reported that as soon as Kerson turned the key in the ignition, his seat belt snapped in half and the trunk popped open.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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