Area Man Proud He Can Still Fit Into Car From High School

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Area Man

Area Man's Knee Making Weird Sound

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Noting that it began happening just a few days ago, local 31-year-old Anthony Forster told reporters Monday that his left knee has been making a really strange sound lately.

Area Man Could Eat

PITTSBURGH—Local man Ronald White confirmed this afternoon that while he wasn't necessarily hungry, he could eat.

Is Area Man Going To Finish Those Fries?

WICHITA FALLS, TX—Hey, man, is area resident Craig Goodwin all done with those fries? No? Okay, that's cool, but if the 26-year-old website designer were, fellow Wichita Falls resident and Denny's patron Josh Borman would be happy to help finish them off. That's cool, though, if Goodwin, a regular at the I-80 and Telegraph Road Denny's, is still working on them. Yeah, Borman finished his $4.99 Grand Slam breakfast already, but he can just sit there and read his placemat, it's no biggie.

Area Man Doesn't Look Jewish

ATLANTA—According to surprised neighbors, area resident Adam Brown doesn't look Jewish. "It's weird," said Kathleen Purdie, who recently learned of Brown's Semitic roots. "I had no idea he was Jewish. He just sort of looks regular, with the light brown hair and light skin and all. Actually, I thought he was Irish or maybe even Scandinavian." Added Purdie: "Is Brown a Jewish name?"

Area Man Settled For

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After nearly 20 years of unsuccessfully attempting to court and marry an interesting, attractive man, 41-year-old Sandra Browner of Fayetteville settled Monday for insipid, pie-faced screen-door-factory worker Willard Kurtz. "He's a real sweet guy," Browner said of her new fiancé, who is insisting on a sports-themed wedding reception to be held in March at the Fayetteville-area Hooters owned by his cousin Ed. "And he's got very nice hands." The couple will live with Kurtz's aunt until things start taking off at the factory.

Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?

DE KALB, IL—It was learned Monday that Ted Moseley, a 34-year-old De Kalb-area construction worker, hauls ass 10, 12 hours a day for his sonofabitch boss, and for what? The report, to be published in full in next Thursday's New York Times, will tell you what: so his skank old lady can spend his hard-earned $6.75 an hour on a $450 vacuum cleaner, and to pay for the neighbor's mailbox that his snot-nosed kid busted. Why Moseley puts up with this shit could not be adequately explained by the report.
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Area Man Proud He Can Still Fit Into Car From High School

NAPA, CA—Wiggling from side to side as he forcibly wedged his torso into the driver's seat of a 1992 Ford Festiva, local man Michael Kerson told reporters Friday he couldn't help but take a little pride in the fact that he could still fit into his car from high school. "I had a hard time getting the belt fastened at first, but once I reclined the seat, tucked my gut under the steering wheel, and got the strap pulled up higher on my chest, I managed to do it," Kerson said as he shifted his weight to better fit the interior contours of the 5-foot-wide, 2,000-pound vehicle, adding that being able to get into the car in one try was more than he could say for most of his friends. "I have to suck in my stomach, but there's still room. Just barely, though. I may have my mechanic let the doors out a little." At press time, sources reported that as soon as Kerson turned the key in the ignition, his seat belt snapped in half and the trunk popped open.

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