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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Man Proud He Can Still Fit Into Car From High School

NAPA, CA—Wiggling from side to side as he forcibly wedged his torso into the driver's seat of a 1992 Ford Festiva, local man Michael Kerson told reporters Friday he couldn't help but take a little pride in the fact that he could still fit into his car from high school. "I had a hard time getting the belt fastened at first, but once I reclined the seat, tucked my gut under the steering wheel, and got the strap pulled up higher on my chest, I managed to do it," Kerson said as he shifted his weight to better fit the interior contours of the 5-foot-wide, 2,000-pound vehicle, adding that being able to get into the car in one try was more than he could say for most of his friends. "I have to suck in my stomach, but there's still room. Just barely, though. I may have my mechanic let the doors out a little." At press time, sources reported that as soon as Kerson turned the key in the ignition, his seat belt snapped in half and the trunk popped open.

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