adBlockCheck

Area Man Proudly Accepts Exit-Row Responsibilities

Top Headlines

Local

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Man Proudly Accepts Exit-Row Responsibilities

CHICAGO–Air traveler Lynn Paschal feels physically and mentally ready to fulfill the duties of an exit-row passenger should tragedy strike United Airlines Flight 234 en route to Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport, sources close to the 34-year-old confirmed Monday.

The fully prepared Lynn Paschal.

"The last thing anyone wants is an emergency landing," said Paschal, limbering up his forearms and checking his reach to the door handle. "But in case we do, I'll do everything in my power to make sure everyone gets out quickly and safely."

In the unlikely event of an emergency landing, Paschal may be called upon to open the escape door with the help of the O'Hare-based United flight crew.

"I certainly hope there will be at least one crew member left alive to help me, but there's no guarantee of that," Paschal said. "I have to prepare for the possibility that I'm the surviving passengers' only hope." Paschal noted that if need be, he could probably throw the door open himself, either by applying all his strength to the handle or by wrapping a seatbelt strap around it for leverage.

In addition to opening the exit-row door, Paschal's emergency duties would include helping his fellow passengers exit the plane and slide down the inflatable chute.

"That's the price you pay for having a little extra leg room here in the exit row," said Paschal, who stowed his carry-on bag in the overhead compartment so it wouldn't tangle the legs of escaping passengers. "Right now, it's leg room, but when the plane is engulfed in flames or sinking like a stone 30,000 feet above central Tennessee, it could be the path to life. And that's a path I want clear."

"Don't worry," said Paschal, turning to the woman seated next to him. "You're going to see your family again."

Paschal first learned of his exit-row responsibilities during the standard pre-flight safety video shown to passengers as Flight 234 prepared for takeoff. Paschal paid strict attention to the presentation, well aware that he could be unexpectedly called into service.

"When [chief flight attendant] Melinda [Garnock] directed my attention to the exit sign above my head, I was glad I made damn sure I had the procedure down," said Paschal, scanning the plane for any elderly passengers who might need special assistance. "Now, I'm basically a member of the crew. Until this plane lands, I'm no longer a civilian."

In addition to familiarizing himself with the large, clearly marked lever, Paschal made other preparations. After introducing himself to everyone in the immediate vicinity of seat 15E, he tucked the aircraft's crash card into the underside of his tray table for easy access. He also fixed his seat in its most upright position.

"Can't afford to relax on this flight," Paschal said. "No coffee, no soda. Got to stay ready. I might have to make my way around this bird in total darkness or even underwater."

Paschal's zeal has not gone unnoticed by United personnel.

"I asked him about six times to stop removing his seat cushion," Garnock said. "He said he was practicing using it as a flotation device. He only stopped when I assured him we wouldn't be crossing any oceans from Chicago to Atlanta. He kept looking over at me and giving me the thumbs-up."

"He took me aside earlier and said he was pretty sure he could get everyone out himself, that if it came to it, I should save myself," flight attendant Yvette Sanchez said. "It took me a while to realize he was talking about helping people out of the plane in an emergency."

Added Sanchez: "Apparently, the guy doesn't realize that in the unlikely event of a crash, we're all fucking dead."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close