adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Puts On Some Nice Pants For Once In His Life

OAKLAND, CA—Hallelujah, what do you know—reports have surfaced that Michael Bohlke put on a nice pair of pants for once in his 28 years on this earth Monday. Bohlke, who had up to that very moment looked like a lazy bum just sitting there on the couch, stunned longtime critics by putting on a clean shirt, running a comb through his hair for God's sake, and finally getting rid of that ratty Oakland Raiders cap that he's had since, what, the seventh grade? At press time, however, it would apparently still kill Bohlke to shave every once in a while.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close