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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man Realizes He's Not The Cool Uncle

BABBITT, MN—After watching his brother-in-law wow his nieces and nephews during a family reunion with his ability to dunk a basketball and his willingness to let them ride around in the back of his pickup truck, Glenn Daniels, 32, realized Sunday that he is not the family's cool uncle.

"I thought the kids liked my disconnected thumb trick, but after watching them with their Uncle David [Fineman], I realized they were just humoring me all along," said Daniels, whose Incredible Hulk necktie was no match for Fineman's remote-control toy helicopter. "Maybe it's time for me to settle down and become the uncle who's respected 20 years later for being low-key and dependable."

Daniels said he can take solace in the fact that he is not the creepy uncle, a role family members agree is definitively filled by Daniels' quiet brother Joseph.

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