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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Area Man Realizes He's Not The Cool Uncle

BABBITT, MN—After watching his brother-in-law wow his nieces and nephews during a family reunion with his ability to dunk a basketball and his willingness to let them ride around in the back of his pickup truck, Glenn Daniels, 32, realized Sunday that he is not the family's cool uncle.

"I thought the kids liked my disconnected thumb trick, but after watching them with their Uncle David [Fineman], I realized they were just humoring me all along," said Daniels, whose Incredible Hulk necktie was no match for Fineman's remote-control toy helicopter. "Maybe it's time for me to settle down and become the uncle who's respected 20 years later for being low-key and dependable."

Daniels said he can take solace in the fact that he is not the creepy uncle, a role family members agree is definitively filled by Daniels' quiet brother Joseph.

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