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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Man Refuses To Accept Bus-Route Change

LUBBOCK, TX—After three years of catching the bus to work at the corner of 4th and Houston, area resident Willard Dawes refused to accept the Lubbock Area Transit System's reworking of its weekday route, which had been clearly delineated in several flyers. "The C bus should've been here at 3:18," Dawes said Monday, standing on the sidewalk in front of the MovieTime video store, two blocks east of the new pick-up point. "I know it will show up. I just have to wait longer." The change is the most jarring event in Dawes' LATS ridership since 1998, when a fender bender with a taxi seriously shook his faith in Chuck, the eight-to-four weekday driver.

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