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Area Man Regrets Investing In Facebook

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Area Man Regrets Investing In Facebook

MENLO PARK, CA—Saying that he thought it was a “safe bet” at first, local man Mark Zuckerberg, 28, told reporters Tuesday that—after going what he called “all in” on the business—he now regrets staking so much of his financial future on the Internet company Facebook. “It seemed like a slam dunk—popular company, kids love it, and my financial advisors were telling me this stock was going to be a monster,” said Zuckerberg, who works in computers, and has lost nearly $600 million since Facebook went public in May. “But you know what, I’ll admit there was always a small part of me that knew I was going to lose a boatload on this thing, because, when you think about Facebook, there’s not a whole lot of room for long-term growth there, or any real solid plan for the future. I guess it’s just another one of those overhyped tech stocks, and I bought into the hype.” At press time, Zuckerberg sold his shares in Facebook and invested in GE, which the computer programmer and husband called “a fine, safe American company that never gets too high, never gets too low.”

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