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Area Man Relieved Friend's Short Story Sucks

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

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CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

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CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

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Area Man Relieved Friend's Short Story Sucks

BOSTON—After reading the final draft Saturday morning, local man Chris Peters, 27, was relieved to discover the short story written by his friend Mark Carter, 26, was absolutely terrible. "When Mark first mentioned he'd written a short story, I was terrified that maybe he had some sort of creative side I'd never seen before, so it was comforting to see that it really, really sucked," said Peters, explaining he took solace in the fact that Carter's poorly crafted story reflected no sign of blossoming talent. "Now I can totally support Mark without worrying about him actually being good at this, or standing out in any way that would make him seem more significant than myself. What a load off." As of press time, Peters was urging Carter to turn his short story into a feature-length screenplay.

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