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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Area Man Relieved Friend's Short Story Sucks

BOSTON—After reading the final draft Saturday morning, local man Chris Peters, 27, was relieved to discover the short story written by his friend Mark Carter, 26, was absolutely terrible. "When Mark first mentioned he'd written a short story, I was terrified that maybe he had some sort of creative side I'd never seen before, so it was comforting to see that it really, really sucked," said Peters, explaining he took solace in the fact that Carter's poorly crafted story reflected no sign of blossoming talent. "Now I can totally support Mark without worrying about him actually being good at this, or standing out in any way that would make him seem more significant than myself. What a load off." As of press time, Peters was urging Carter to turn his short story into a feature-length screenplay.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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