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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Area Man Relieved To Hear State Of Union Still Strong

MONROEVILLE, PA—While watching President Obama’s annual televised address to Congress Tuesday night, local man Daniel Markell, 46, reportedly let out a sigh of relief upon hearing the president announce that the state of the union is strong. “Oh, good,” said Markell, who switched off his television and relaxed in his seat immediately after President Obama delivered the good news. “That’s nice to know.” At press time, sources had confirmed that Markell is five months behind on mortgage payments and will soon need to undergo a costly heart surgery that his insurance does not cover.

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