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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

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MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Area Man Saddened To Realize Short Jewish Women With An Interest In Theater His Type

Simms is surprised to discover he has always had a thing for diminutive, Broadway-loving Hebrews.
Simms is surprised to discover he has always had a thing for diminutive, Broadway-loving Hebrews.

CHICAGO—While reminiscing about his romantic past Monday, area resident David Simms was shocked and a little saddened to realize that short women belonging to the Jewish faith and possessing an active interest in the world of theater have always been, and will always be, his type.

"God, how did I never notice it before?" said Simms, taken aback by his unexpected discovery. "Rachel, Sarah, Devorah—Miss Katzenberg, the weekend director at the Israeli Arts Center—it's all so obvious now."

"Squat, theatergoing Jews," added Simms, shaking his head in confused wonder. "I'm totally into squat, theatergoing Jews."

Simms, a 27-year-old teaching assistant and self-described "lover of all women," said he couldn't believe he hadn't made the connection sooner. Though he initially tried to dismiss it as nothing more than mere coincidence, Simms was unable to think of a single woman he had previously dated who was of above-average height or despised the works of Noël Coward.

"I always just thought I liked brunettes, or was, you know, a 'breasts' man," Simms said. "It definitely explains why that thing with the Asian chemist never worked out, or why when I was in high school I had a huge crush on Rhea Perlman."

"Wow, I'm going to end up marrying a tiny, artsy Jew, and that's all there is to it, huh?" Simms continued. "I'm going to fall madly in love and raise a beautiful family with a short, curly-haired theater buff."

Unable to deny his physical attraction to them any longer, Simms said that all a woman needed to turn him on was to be a member of God's chosen people and struggle to reach her kitchen cupboards. In addition, Simms said that women capable of discussing Death Of A Salesman in a thick Brooklyn accent always made him lose his mind.

"I can't explain it, but there's just something about a certain type of woman that really gets my juices flowing," Simms said. "Damn you, undersized ladies of the Jewish persuasion with an affinity for the theater! You drive me wild."

Simms, who has dated three nasally ushers in the past nine months and once made out with a stocky divorcée at a kosher deli, said that despite his recent realization, he would still be open to giving a whole spectrum of different women a chance. As long as his date is at least half-Jewish, appreciates some form of live performance, and can be picked up off the ground with relative ease, Simms said, he would be willing to see where things go.

Friends and family members said that the 27-year-old's romantic predisposition has been obvious for quite some time. Simms' father recalled how his son expressed a desire to marry the shorter, less desirable sister in Fiddler On The Roof when he was 9 years old, while longtime friend Ben Meltzer said Simms was often known to ask his peers if they ever wondered what Jackie Mason's wife looks like.

"I remember a cheerleader once tried to ask David out in high school, but he turned her down cold," Meltzer said. "I'd love to tell you that I always knew that diminutive Jews were his cup of tea, but to tell you the truth, between all the play openings and musical premieres, I was convinced David was gay."

Where his attraction comes from, many are still unsure. However, Simms said that the girls he has brought home have always been met with approval from his parents—especially his mother, a 4-foot, 11-inch-tall former Broadway actress who fought in Israel's war for independence.

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