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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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Area Man Saddened To Realize Short Jewish Women With An Interest In Theater His Type

Simms is surprised to discover he has always had a thing for diminutive, Broadway-loving Hebrews.
Simms is surprised to discover he has always had a thing for diminutive, Broadway-loving Hebrews.

CHICAGO—While reminiscing about his romantic past Monday, area resident David Simms was shocked and a little saddened to realize that short women belonging to the Jewish faith and possessing an active interest in the world of theater have always been, and will always be, his type.

"God, how did I never notice it before?" said Simms, taken aback by his unexpected discovery. "Rachel, Sarah, Devorah—Miss Katzenberg, the weekend director at the Israeli Arts Center—it's all so obvious now."

"Squat, theatergoing Jews," added Simms, shaking his head in confused wonder. "I'm totally into squat, theatergoing Jews."

Simms, a 27-year-old teaching assistant and self-described "lover of all women," said he couldn't believe he hadn't made the connection sooner. Though he initially tried to dismiss it as nothing more than mere coincidence, Simms was unable to think of a single woman he had previously dated who was of above-average height or despised the works of Noël Coward.

"I always just thought I liked brunettes, or was, you know, a 'breasts' man," Simms said. "It definitely explains why that thing with the Asian chemist never worked out, or why when I was in high school I had a huge crush on Rhea Perlman."

"Wow, I'm going to end up marrying a tiny, artsy Jew, and that's all there is to it, huh?" Simms continued. "I'm going to fall madly in love and raise a beautiful family with a short, curly-haired theater buff."

Unable to deny his physical attraction to them any longer, Simms said that all a woman needed to turn him on was to be a member of God's chosen people and struggle to reach her kitchen cupboards. In addition, Simms said that women capable of discussing Death Of A Salesman in a thick Brooklyn accent always made him lose his mind.

"I can't explain it, but there's just something about a certain type of woman that really gets my juices flowing," Simms said. "Damn you, undersized ladies of the Jewish persuasion with an affinity for the theater! You drive me wild."

Simms, who has dated three nasally ushers in the past nine months and once made out with a stocky divorcée at a kosher deli, said that despite his recent realization, he would still be open to giving a whole spectrum of different women a chance. As long as his date is at least half-Jewish, appreciates some form of live performance, and can be picked up off the ground with relative ease, Simms said, he would be willing to see where things go.

Friends and family members said that the 27-year-old's romantic predisposition has been obvious for quite some time. Simms' father recalled how his son expressed a desire to marry the shorter, less desirable sister in Fiddler On The Roof when he was 9 years old, while longtime friend Ben Meltzer said Simms was often known to ask his peers if they ever wondered what Jackie Mason's wife looks like.

"I remember a cheerleader once tried to ask David out in high school, but he turned her down cold," Meltzer said. "I'd love to tell you that I always knew that diminutive Jews were his cup of tea, but to tell you the truth, between all the play openings and musical premieres, I was convinced David was gay."

Where his attraction comes from, many are still unsure. However, Simms said that the girls he has brought home have always been met with approval from his parents—especially his mother, a 4-foot, 11-inch-tall former Broadway actress who fought in Israel's war for independence.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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