adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Secretly Tired Of Exposing His Big Belly For Friends To Slap, Yet Knows No Other Way

GREENSBORO, NC—Though local man Joshua Bishop secretly yearns to stop exposing his ample belly for friends, family, and coworkers to playfully smack, the 28-year-old assistant project manager confessed Wednesday that he fears he has invested too much of his identity in the ritual to ever abandon it. "I admit I tire of this demeaning exercise, but without submitting to it, how else am I to reaffirm the bonds of brotherhood with my fellow man?" said Bishop, whose rotund middle has over the years been lightheartedly slapped, jiggled, and manipulated in such a way that it forms a simulacrum of a face that is then made to appear as though it is talking or singing. "To have my belly repeatedly whacked is no less than the resounding declaration of my very humanity, and yet it is a small piece of my humanity that withers and dies with each spirited bongo solo. I am nothing without this grotesque, undignified spectacle, but what part of my true self can possibly survive should I allow it to continue?" At press time, the reporter was winding up to really give Bishop a good one.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close