adBlockCheck

Area Man Secretly Tired Of Exposing His Big Belly For Friends To Slap, Yet Knows No Other Way

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Man Secretly Tired Of Exposing His Big Belly For Friends To Slap, Yet Knows No Other Way

GREENSBORO, NC—Though local man Joshua Bishop secretly yearns to stop exposing his ample belly for friends, family, and coworkers to playfully smack, the 28-year-old assistant project manager confessed Wednesday that he fears he has invested too much of his identity in the ritual to ever abandon it. "I admit I tire of this demeaning exercise, but without submitting to it, how else am I to reaffirm the bonds of brotherhood with my fellow man?" said Bishop, whose rotund middle has over the years been lightheartedly slapped, jiggled, and manipulated in such a way that it forms a simulacrum of a face that is then made to appear as though it is talking or singing. "To have my belly repeatedly whacked is no less than the resounding declaration of my very humanity, and yet it is a small piece of my humanity that withers and dies with each spirited bongo solo. I am nothing without this grotesque, undignified spectacle, but what part of my true self can possibly survive should I allow it to continue?" At press time, the reporter was winding up to really give Bishop a good one.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close