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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Area Man Secretly Tired Of Exposing His Big Belly For Friends To Slap, Yet Knows No Other Way

GREENSBORO, NC—Though local man Joshua Bishop secretly yearns to stop exposing his ample belly for friends, family, and coworkers to playfully smack, the 28-year-old assistant project manager confessed Wednesday that he fears he has invested too much of his identity in the ritual to ever abandon it. "I admit I tire of this demeaning exercise, but without submitting to it, how else am I to reaffirm the bonds of brotherhood with my fellow man?" said Bishop, whose rotund middle has over the years been lightheartedly slapped, jiggled, and manipulated in such a way that it forms a simulacrum of a face that is then made to appear as though it is talking or singing. "To have my belly repeatedly whacked is no less than the resounding declaration of my very humanity, and yet it is a small piece of my humanity that withers and dies with each spirited bongo solo. I am nothing without this grotesque, undignified spectacle, but what part of my true self can possibly survive should I allow it to continue?" At press time, the reporter was winding up to really give Bishop a good one.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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