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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Man Shocked To Learn There Is A Butt-Oriented Magazine He Was Not Aware Of

BENTON, AR—According to sources, buttocks-themed periodical aficionado Lyle Breslin was surprised and dismayed when he discovered Friday the existence of a magazine about butts he had not previously encountered. "I'm shocked this one got past me," Breslin said as he thumbed through the full-color photographs of women's nude posteriors featured in an issue of Heavenly Can. "As someone who has every issue of Big Butt, Round Butt, Ass Passion, and Rump Fancy, and is a charter subscriber of the more literary Two Scoops Quarterly, there's no way they should have gotten to issue number six without me knowing, especially given the fact that they managed to steal away prominent editor Hersch Steinberg from Nice Pooper." After perusing the magazine for 15 minutes, Breslin dismissed the magazine as a third-tier knockoff of Booty Clap.

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