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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Man Shocked To See His Elementary School Has A Website

LAREDO, TX—After using an Internet search engine in an attempt to find information on a former classmate, local resident Matthew Orman, 25, told reporters Monday that he was "extremely surprised" upon discovering that the elementary school he attended had its own website. "All of the teachers have their own profiles and everything," Orman said while scrolling through the GIF-littered basic HTML design, credited to his former third-grade art teacher Mrs. Wolford. "And look, the cafeteria still serves pizza on Fridays. This is so crazy." Orman reportedly attempted to sign the website's guestbook several times, but was unable do to so because of an internal programming error.

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