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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Man Shocked To See His Elementary School Has A Website

LAREDO, TX—After using an Internet search engine in an attempt to find information on a former classmate, local resident Matthew Orman, 25, told reporters Monday that he was "extremely surprised" upon discovering that the elementary school he attended had its own website. "All of the teachers have their own profiles and everything," Orman said while scrolling through the GIF-littered basic HTML design, credited to his former third-grade art teacher Mrs. Wolford. "And look, the cafeteria still serves pizza on Fridays. This is so crazy." Orman reportedly attempted to sign the website's guestbook several times, but was unable do to so because of an internal programming error.

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