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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Man Somehow Endures Harrowing Entertainment-Free Commute

SAN FRANCISCO—Despite having no access to personal entertainment technology or media stimulation of any kind, 33-year-old Jeff Vali somehow withstood his entire harrowing 30-minute train commute Friday. “I wasn’t scared at first, but I started freaking out when I fully realized what was happening,” said a stunned Vali, who told reporters he had dashed out the door and left his iPod on the counter. “I still had my Kindle, but it went dead last week and I forgot to charge it. I tried to keep calm by reading the newspaper of the guy standing next to me, but I couldn’t get close enough to make out more than one or two big headlines. Even the ads on the train were all boring community college stuff. Eventually I realized I was going to be trapped with nothing but my thoughts for the next half-hour. It was horrifying.” Vali told reporters he managed to survive his ordeal by humming “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” and sifting through the contents of his wallet.

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