Area Man Somehow Even Less Popular Than He Was In High School

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Vol 40 Issue 39

Report: Iraq War Keeping Thousands Out Of Unemployment Line

WASHINGTON, DC—A Department of Labor report praised the positive effect the Iraq War has had on the strained U.S. job market, Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao said Monday. "A whopping 140,000 U.S. citizens are gainfully employed as military personnel in Iraq," Chao said. "The war is not just keeping these young men and women out of the unemployment lines, but it's also teaching them such valuable skills as operating radar equipment, driving an M1A1 Abrams battle tank, or bagging and tagging bodies." Chao said that most troops won't need to look for new work for another four to seven years.

Produce Section Bursts Into Laughter After Will Ferrell Makes Casual Remark About Apples

LOS ANGELES—Patrons of the Trader Joe's grocery store on La Brea Avenue and Third Street broke out into gales of spontaneous laughter when fellow shopper and movie star Will Ferrell made a casual comment about apples. "I haven't had a good apple in a while," Ferrell said in the produce section, causing several nearby shoppers to giggle and nod appreciatively at the overheard remark. "Are Paula Reds any good? I wonder if they're sour like a Granny Smith." Ferrell said that, although he appreciates his fans' support, he really wanted a straight answer about the apples.

Upcoming Election Deduced From Sports Illustrated Content

LINCOLN, NE—Football fan Ben Pellett first became aware of the upcoming presidential election Tuesday, thanks to a tangential reference to it made in the Sept. 28 issue of Sports Illustrated. "One of the columnists said that picking who'll dominate the NFC North would be 'tougher than predicting the winner on Nov. 2,'" Pellett said. "At first I had no idea what that meant, but then I realized it's been a while since we voted for president. I asked my roommate, and sure enough, there's an election this year." Pellett added that he thinks both the Vikings and the Republicans have what it takes to go all the way.

Iraq Hostages

Extremists in Iraq continue to use hostage-taking to convey their message, leaving much of the world wondering what can be done. What do you think?

Oktoberfest

Munich is in the midst of Oktoberfest, Germany's annual celebration of beer and Bavarian culture. What have been the festival's highlights so far?

Alvin Shunned By Animal Community, Forced To Wear Scarlet 'A'

PASADENA, CA—Well-known frontman for Alvin & The Chipmunks, the singing group that included his brothers Simon and Theodore, Alvin Seville is adored by millions for his intricate vocals on such playful songs as "Alvin's Harmonica" and "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)." The chipmunk celebrates his 70th birthday this month, as well as his 46th year bearing the scarlet letter "A"—the mark of shame that reminds members of the animal kingdom that he is an actor who has adopted the ways of humankind.
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