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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Area Man Somehow Roped Into Arguing Passionately For Green Day

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Though he admitted he hasn't listened to the band in 10 years, tech-support specialist Jonathan Meagher, 25, somehow found himself defending Green Day while slightly intoxicated at a local bar Saturday.

"Some guy we were drinking with said the band was 'complete shit,' which, I mean, say what you want about Green Day, but 'complete shit' is a bit of an overstatement," Meagher said. "Then the guy said something about Limp Bizkit being better, and before I knew it, I'm pounding my fist on the bar and saying that Green Day might be the best band of our generation. Seriously, I don't even know the lead singer's name."

Shortly after returning home from the bar, Meagher purchased the Green Day song "American Idiot" from iTunes, played the major-label debut album Dookie, and reported being amazed that the band hadn't really changed at all since 1994.

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