Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Man Sorry He's Late, Got Here As Fast As He Could

CHICAGO—Thirty-four-year-old associate sales representative Ben Anderson, who got here as fast as he possibly could, is really, really sorry he's late. "What did I miss?" asked Anderson, who again, is so sorry, but the bus—well, it's a long story. "My girlfriend and the dog—and now I'm holding everything up. Sorry. Sorry." Anderson, who added that he's honestly very sorry, has asked that everyone just ignore him and carry on while he gets himself settled.

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