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Area Man Sorry He's Late, Got Here As Fast As He Could

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Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Rival Dojo In For Big Surprise At Regionals

ASHBURN, VA—Local 15-year-old Clint Hrabik, a second kyū brown belt at Ashburn Enshin Karate, issued a statement Wednesday indicating that rival dojo Falls Church Enshin Karate was in for a big surprise at regionals this year.

Woman Sets Google Alert For Kevin Costner

'It'll Just Be Easier This Way'

RUTLAND, VT—Saying that the service is easy to set up and will make her life a lot less complicated, area woman Julie Clifford told reporters today that instead of constantly searching for the latest online news about Kevin Costner, she plans to jus...

Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy

Pint-Sized Muscleman Can Lift Entire Frozen Turkey Over Head

WILLIAMSON, NY—Seven-year-old elementary school student Michael Sartinsky has once again wowed the nation with the latest impromptu demonstration of his almost superhuman strength, this time lifting an entire frozen turkey clear over his head and ho...

Wow Factor Added To Corporate Presentation

CHARLOTTE, NC—Sources confirmed that the wow factor—an intangible set of viscerally pleasing features that instill onlookers with a feeling of exhilaration and intense interest—was successfully added to this Thursday’s upcoming PowerPoint presentation.

Area Man Looking For Whatever The Hell Is Beeping

DELMAR, NY—Craig Mitich, 27, has spent 20 minutes searching his apartment for whatever the hell is emitting a high-pitched beep every few minutes. "Okay, it's not my cell phone... it's not my microwave... or my car-alarm remote," said Mitich, standing motionless with an ear cocked toward his entertainment center. "God, what is it? Can a power strip beep?" At press time, Mitich was on his hands and knees, unplugging his appliances one by one.
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Area Man Sorry He's Late, Got Here As Fast As He Could

CHICAGO—Thirty-four-year-old associate sales representative Ben Anderson, who got here as fast as he possibly could, is really, really sorry he's late. "What did I miss?" asked Anderson, who again, is so sorry, but the bus—well, it's a long story. "My girlfriend and the dog—and now I'm holding everything up. Sorry. Sorry." Anderson, who added that he's honestly very sorry, has asked that everyone just ignore him and carry on while he gets himself settled.

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