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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Area Man Still Searching For Hookup Subculture On LinkedIn

GLADYS, VA—After weeks of concerted effort aimed at trying to meet sexual partners through the professional networking site, local man Hugh Nesbitt told reporters Friday that he has yet to break in to the underworld of casual hookups surely hidden beneath the surface of LinkedIn.com. "There has to be some way people are using this to arrange sexual encounters, right? You can't honestly tell me that everyone on there is looking for jobs," said Nesbitt, 27, adding that there were far too many people connected through the site for nothing seedy to be going on. "I see there's a 'recommendation' button. Is that the way down the rabbit hole? Or maybe it's some kind of exclusive thing where I need to get an introduction from someone who's already in on the action? That must be it." At press time, Nesbitt had successfully used LinkedIn to locate a former coworker whose profile photo he could masturbate to.

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