Area Man Suddenly Realizes He's The One Who's Been Killing Off World's Bee Population

In This Section

Vol 46 Issue 36

Classic Movie 'Avatar' Updated For Today's Audiences

LOS ANGELES—Paramount Pictures confirmed Monday the Dec. 23 release date for Avatar 2KX, a remake of the beloved 2009 sci-fi thriller Avatar that will bring the story into the modern era with faster-paced action sequences and cutting-e...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Healthy Eating

Area Man Suddenly Realizes He's The One Who's Been Killing Off World's Bee Population

FORT WORTH, TX—Following a news update on the depopulation of honeybees across North America and much of the world, it suddenly dawned on local bank teller Keith Orlander Tuesday that he, personally, was responsible for the dramatic and theretofore unexplained disappearance of the insects. "Boy, come to think of it, I guess I have been killing millions of bees lately," said Orlander, recalling "an awful lot" of instances in which he drove his truck into a hive or killed a couple thousand bees at a picnic. "It's obvious when you stop to think about it, but until now I never really put two and two together." Racked with guilt, Orlander pledged to immediately set loose the 40 million bees he's been keeping in a jar in his basement.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More