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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Area Man Suddenly Realizes He's The One Who's Been Killing Off World's Bee Population

FORT WORTH, TX—Following a news update on the depopulation of honeybees across North America and much of the world, it suddenly dawned on local bank teller Keith Orlander Tuesday that he, personally, was responsible for the dramatic and theretofore unexplained disappearance of the insects. "Boy, come to think of it, I guess I have been killing millions of bees lately," said Orlander, recalling "an awful lot" of instances in which he drove his truck into a hive or killed a couple thousand bees at a picnic. "It's obvious when you stop to think about it, but until now I never really put two and two together." Racked with guilt, Orlander pledged to immediately set loose the 40 million bees he's been keeping in a jar in his basement.

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