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Area Man Suddenly Realizes He's The One Who's Been Killing Off World's Bee Population

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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Area Man Suddenly Realizes He's The One Who's Been Killing Off World's Bee Population

FORT WORTH, TX—Following a news update on the depopulation of honeybees across North America and much of the world, it suddenly dawned on local bank teller Keith Orlander Tuesday that he, personally, was responsible for the dramatic and theretofore unexplained disappearance of the insects. "Boy, come to think of it, I guess I have been killing millions of bees lately," said Orlander, recalling "an awful lot" of instances in which he drove his truck into a hive or killed a couple thousand bees at a picnic. "It's obvious when you stop to think about it, but until now I never really put two and two together." Racked with guilt, Orlander pledged to immediately set loose the 40 million bees he's been keeping in a jar in his basement.

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