adBlockCheck

Local

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.

Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Supports The Troops He Didn't Go To High School With

KIRKSVILLE, MO—Jon Strauss, 22, a Kirksville video-store manager, announced Monday that he supports U.S. troops "100 percent"—with the exception of the ones with whom he went to high school.

Strauss, who said he backs "99.9 percent" of America's troops.

"My heart goes out to the troops, and I pray for their safe return," said Strauss, a 1998 graduate of Kirksville High School. "Except for that dick Andy Tischler. I hope the Iraqis capture him and torture his wedgie-inflicting ass."

Though he expressed mixed feelings about the war against Iraq, Strauss said he feels it is vital for Americans to stand united behind the nation's fighting men and women in uniform. He draws the line, however, at his former classmates.

"Troy Nowicki, this guy who was in my junior-year gym class, is in the Navy now," Strauss said. "He was on the football team, and he used to love to tease me and give me purple nurples and generally make my life miserable. Once, he head-butted me so hard, I couldn't hear for an hour. Fucking asshole. Yeah, I'm really praying for his safe return."

Strauss has tied a yellow ribbon around a tree in front of his parents' home, where he is temporarily living, to show his support for the troops. He also sports an American-flag pin on his shirt at work.

"We can't let our soldiers feel like they're also facing an enemy on the homefront," Strauss said. "They have enough to worry about without hearing that their own country isn't behind them. Could you imagine how demoralizing that would be? It would be as traumatic as the time I had to give a speech on the Teapot Dome scandal at a school assembly, and Ricky Dorner kept whipping pennies at me the whole time. Ricky's a Marine now, and I heard his division got deployed to Tikrit, where they came under heavy fire from the Republican Guard. Haven't heard a casualty report yet."

A 1997 photo of U.S. Marine Ricky Dorner, whom Strauss called "a world-class asshole."

Strauss, like many Americans, said he believes the U.S. has learned its lesson from its poor treatment of Vietnam War soldiers. Today, even the staunchest anti-war activist is likely to agree that the soldiers are only carrying out the will of the policy-makers and deserve the nation's sympathy and good wishes.

"For a lot of young people, the military is the only option," Strauss said. "Like Frank Deroia, this burnout who used to sit at the back of the school bus and loudly make fun of my clothes every day. Well, he joined the Army, and now I guess he's being treated like some kind of hero because he was one of the troops who secured Baghdad International Airport. Meanwhile, I've got a bachelor's degree and I'm stuck in Kirksville working at Blockbuster. How is that fair?"

Strauss' friends say they are well aware of his feelings about America's troops.

"Jon was very moved by the horrible POW ordeal of Pfc. Jessica Lynch," longtime friend Will Arbus said. "He said she seems like a really sweet girl, the kind of person who would treat classmates with kindness and respect. Nothing like Lance Corporal Craig Veryzer of the 103rd Infantry. Apparently, Craig was fond of ridiculing Jon's less-than-perfect skin. Boy, does Jon hate that prick."

More from this section

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close