Area Man Suspicious Of Wrap

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

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Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

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Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Café Adds Heartbreaking Little Lunch Menu

EUGENE, OR—Noting the new food items in a small boxed-off corner of the overhead chalkboard, patrons at local coffee shop Fairmount Java told reporters Monday that the café had apparently added a heartbreaking little lunch menu.

How Michelin Rates Restaurants

For decades, the French company Michelin has published a restaurant guide that rates restaurants on a scale of one to three stars, giving them a coveted Michelin star status.

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Man Who Stopped Dieting Already Seeing Results

MIDDLETOWN, KY—Noting that his new look had really turned heads among friends and family, local man Steven Jensen told reporters Wednesday that he had recently stopped dieting and had already started to see results.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Restaurant Gives Totally Unwanted Twist To Mexican Cuisine

BERKELEY, CA—Claiming that the eatery was already generating a buzz among locals with its “East Meets Mex” flavors, owners of the Bento Burrito location on Shattuck Avenue explained to reporters Tuesday how their new restaurant offers a ...

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Appearing visibly confused as he scanned back and forth from one side of the establishment to the other, a local oaf was reportedly unsure which part of the Hilltop Deli counter he was supposed to place his order at Tuesday.

Lunch Barely Misses Area Man’s Vital Organs

CHICAGO—In what doctors are calling nothing short of a miracle, local man Jared Fox narrowly averted catastrophe Wednesday when the bacon cheeseburger he ate for lunch managed to pass through his body without hitting any life-sustaining organs.

Middle-Aged Man Having Best Snacks Of His Life

MORTON, MN—Marveling at the increases in both quality and satisfaction that have come with decades of experience, local 51-year-old Doug Kearns told reporters Tuesday that he has lately been having the best snacks of his life.

The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian

While the vast majority of Americans are meat eaters, USDA statistics show that a growing number of Americans are becoming vegetarians and vegans to adopt healthier diets, ensure food safety, and practice ethical eating habits.

Man Regrets Straying From Sour Cream And Onion Potato Chips

COVINGTON, KY—Expressing a deep sense of regret regarding his decision to take a chance on jalapeño, local 36-year-old Mike Willhite told reporters Wednesday that he now sees all too clearly his folly in straying from his beloved sour cream a...

FDA Recalls Food

WASHINGTON—Saying it was vitally important that citizens avoid consuming any of the affected items, the U.S.

Male Gaze Falls On Buffalo Chicken Bites

BINGHAMTON, NY—Patrons at Thirsty’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Monday that the objectifying male gaze has fallen upon a $6.95 plate of buffalo chicken bites, resulting in the menu item being treated as if it serves no purpose beyond providing ...

Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museu...

Takeout Bag Feels Light

OAKLAND, CA—Moments after picking up his carryout order from local restaurant Hunan Palace Monday evening, area man Alden Welch, 31, reportedly experienced a sharp sense of unease upon noticing his takeout bag felt unusually light. Unable to effecti...

Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoo...
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Food

Outback

Area Man Suspicious Of Wrap

ERIE, PA—Local resident and frequent fast-food-restaurant patron Don Turnbee said Monday that he was "still a little leery" of the wrap he'd ordered from the Jefferson Street Subway sandwich shop minutes before.

Turnbee and the wrap he is "not so sure about."

"I'm not sure about this thing," Turnbee said, eyeing the Chicken Bacon Ranch wrap sitting on his tray beside a bag of chips and a large soda. "I mean, I'm gonna try it, but I don't understand this whole tortilla fad. What's wrong with bread?"

Turnbee acknowledged that he probably wouldn't have sampled the wrap without the 20-percent-off coupon he found in a newspaper insert, but added that he isn't averse to trying "new and unusual foods." In fact, the Erie native reports that he ordered a McDonald's Big N' Tasty Burger only days after learning about the sandwich on television.

"This wrap can't be all that bad," Turnbee said, poking at the item's paper exterior. "If I don't like it, at least I'll know I didn't pay full price."

Although Turnbee said he likes all the ingredients inside of his wrap, especially bacon, he said he was skeptical of "the whole idea of wrapping."

"I almost got the Turkey Bacon Melt, but that Chipotle Southwest Sauce scared me off," Turnbee said. "But this one seems like it'll be all right. What's the big deal, right? I guess I'll know in a couple bites."

Turnbee said he was thankful that Subway displayed a detailed list of ingredients near the serving line, allowing him to make an informed choice. He said his worries that he might accidentally get a wrap with "fancy" ingredients, such as sun-dried tomatoes, have stopped him from ordering wraps in the past.

"Some places don't tell you what's inside of the wrap," Turnbee said. "They cut it in half and make you guess from the colors. Some of these new types of sandwiches have a lot of weird stuff in them. I'd rather know what I'm eating."

In addition to his fear of unfamiliar ingredients, Turnbee said he is "uneasy with wraps," because he associates them with salads.

"My wife Shelly wants me to eat more salads," Turnbee said. "I try to eat one once a week. But I don't want to halfway eat a salad by eating a salad wrapped up in a tortilla."

"Not that Shelly ever told me to eat a wrap," Turnbee added. "I bet she doesn't even know what a wrap is. She doesn't dine out as frequently as I do."

Turnbee said he is pretty sure that wraps have something to do with the Atkins diet craze.

"Half the places I go offer some low-carb or Atkins thing," Turnbee said. "I ignore all that crazy business. At most of the places I go, I can still get one of the old standbys: a burger, a roast beef sandwich, or a ham and cheese sub. I do have some trouble when we go up to Canada to visit Shelly's sister. The restaurants are all different up there."

Although Turnbee acknowledged that he enjoys tortilla-based food items at restaurants such as Taco Bell, he said he doesn't understand why people want "regular sandwich fillings inside of Mexican food."

"That might be okay for the people in California, but I can't see myself getting too into them," Turnbee said. "They seem kind of flimsy. I like food you can grip with both hands, something like a Double Whopper with cheese."

In spite of Turnbee's reservations, sources close to him expect him to enjoy the wrap that he is about to eat.

"I'll bet Don likes it," Shelly Turnbee said. "I've never seen him not like anything with chicken and bacon in it. He's just wary of new things, especially if they seem gourmet. It's like when restaurants started switching from iceberg to romaine lettuce. He complained for a while, but he got used to it."