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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Man Thinks It's Nice They Didn't Put The Prettiest Girl Scouts On The Cookie Box

STAMFORD, CT—Local CPA Adam Hober told reporters Wednesday he was pleased to see the Girl Scouts of America had chosen not to feature the most conventionally attractive girls on boxes of their trademark cookies. "They could have put the prettiest girls on there and maybe sold some more cookies, but they didn't, and I really appreciate that," Hober said while munching on a "Samoa"-style baked treat. "It's just nice to see what an inclusive organization they are, and it's really great they gave those Plain Janes a chance to shine." Mr. Hober later added that the wheelchair-bound Hispanic Girl Scout on the side of the box was perhaps a bit much.

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