adBlockCheck

Local

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Thinks It's Nice They Didn't Put The Prettiest Girl Scouts On The Cookie Box

STAMFORD, CT—Local CPA Adam Hober told reporters Wednesday he was pleased to see the Girl Scouts of America had chosen not to feature the most conventionally attractive girls on boxes of their trademark cookies. "They could have put the prettiest girls on there and maybe sold some more cookies, but they didn't, and I really appreciate that," Hober said while munching on a "Samoa"-style baked treat. "It's just nice to see what an inclusive organization they are, and it's really great they gave those Plain Janes a chance to shine." Mr. Hober later added that the wheelchair-bound Hispanic Girl Scout on the side of the box was perhaps a bit much.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close