adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man Thought He Had More Forks Than This

CHARLOTTE, NC—Rummaging through his silverware tray Thursday morning, database administrator Ben Pagano, 30, was shocked to discover that he owned far fewer forks than previously assumed. "What the hell? I thought I had a bunch of them," Pagano said after double-checking the tray's knife compartment and his bedroom nightstand for any wayward forks. "Didn't I have, like, six when I moved in here? I wonder if Bill took some when he moved out." At press time, 11 of Pagano's forks and his missing wristwatch were still in the apartment's broken dishwasher, which none of the roommates had opened since April.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close