CHICAGO—Completely embarrassing themselves in a pitiful display of collective ineptitude, a group of five female friends who gathered for happy hour Monday reportedly failed in their sole duty of providing a recommendation for a good gynecologist when asked for one by a new acquaintance who had recently moved to the area.
OGALLALA, NE—After nearly a decade of friendship, Jake Fitzwater said Monday that he is getting sick of standing up for his buddy Raymond Bauer's rapist behavior. "Whenever someone would accuse Ray of crossing the line, I used to say, 'He doesn't mean anything by it—that's just Ray being Ray,'" Fitzwater said. "I thought he'd grow out of it, but I've known him for nine and a half years now, and he's still at it. Defending him really puts me in an awkward position." Fitzwater added that if Bauer fails to control his predilection for nonconsensual intercourse, he might skip the rapist's Fourth of July barbecue.