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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Man Tired Of Making Excuses For Rapist Friend

OGALLALA, NE—After nearly a decade of friendship, Jake Fitzwater said Monday that he is getting sick of standing up for his buddy Raymond Bauer's rapist behavior. "Whenever someone would accuse Ray of crossing the line, I used to say, 'He doesn't mean anything by it—that's just Ray being Ray,'" Fitzwater said. "I thought he'd grow out of it, but I've known him for nine and a half years now, and he's still at it. Defending him really puts me in an awkward position." Fitzwater added that if Bauer fails to control his predilection for nonconsensual intercourse, he might skip the rapist's Fourth of July barbecue.

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