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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Man Tired Of Making Excuses For Rapist Friend

OGALLALA, NE—After nearly a decade of friendship, Jake Fitzwater said Monday that he is getting sick of standing up for his buddy Raymond Bauer's rapist behavior. "Whenever someone would accuse Ray of crossing the line, I used to say, 'He doesn't mean anything by it—that's just Ray being Ray,'" Fitzwater said. "I thought he'd grow out of it, but I've known him for nine and a half years now, and he's still at it. Defending him really puts me in an awkward position." Fitzwater added that if Bauer fails to control his predilection for nonconsensual intercourse, he might skip the rapist's Fourth of July barbecue.

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