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Area Man To Attend Grad School To Find A Girlfriend

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Area Man To Attend Grad School To Find A Girlfriend

ANN ARBOR, MI—Citing a lack of opportunities after a year in the outside world, Jacobean drama student Mark Griffin has decided to return to school to pursue a master's degree in his major subject, and a potential mate. "My main ambition is finding someone I actually care about right now, and the opportunities just aren't there in the corporate world," Griffin, 24, said Tuesday from the University of Michigan's Shapiro Library. "Or, I may just still have a lot to learn about women, so, either way, grad school's the right choice." Griffin declined to comment on the fact that, in his first six years at college, he was employed in only two gainful romantic positions.

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