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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Man To Make Fun Of Dancing For A Bit Before Nervously Joining In

NEW YORK—Citing self-consciousness, an inability to let loose, and a knee-jerk tendency to rely on irony in personally vulnerable social situations, local wedding reception attendee Will Harris announced Saturday he would attempt to mock other people's dance moves before gathering the courage to start non-ironically dancing himself. "I plan to start off whispering and pointing at everyone, which is a defense mechanism used to hide my jealousy toward those who can dance without caring what other people think," Harris told reporters. "Then I will do some silly moves, like the robot, the running man, and maybe an invisible lasso in order demean the entire act of dancing so that I can feel a false sense of superiority over those around me. Then I will finally work my way up to actually moving my head with the beat." Sources familiar with Harris said his reluctance was understandable, since he looks like a total idiot on the dance floor.

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