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Area Man To Make Fun Of Dancing For A Bit Before Nervously Joining In

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Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

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ASHBURN, VA—Local 15-year-old Clint Hrabik, a second kyū brown belt at Ashburn Enshin Karate, issued a statement Wednesday indicating that rival dojo Falls Church Enshin Karate was in for a big surprise at regionals this year.

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Area Man Looking For Whatever The Hell Is Beeping

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Area Man To Make Fun Of Dancing For A Bit Before Nervously Joining In

NEW YORK—Citing self-consciousness, an inability to let loose, and a knee-jerk tendency to rely on irony in personally vulnerable social situations, local wedding reception attendee Will Harris announced Saturday he would attempt to mock other people's dance moves before gathering the courage to start non-ironically dancing himself. "I plan to start off whispering and pointing at everyone, which is a defense mechanism used to hide my jealousy toward those who can dance without caring what other people think," Harris told reporters. "Then I will do some silly moves, like the robot, the running man, and maybe an invisible lasso in order demean the entire act of dancing so that I can feel a false sense of superiority over those around me. Then I will finally work my way up to actually moving my head with the beat." Sources familiar with Harris said his reluctance was understandable, since he looks like a total idiot on the dance floor.

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