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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Man To Make Fun Of Dancing For A Bit Before Nervously Joining In

NEW YORK—Citing self-consciousness, an inability to let loose, and a knee-jerk tendency to rely on irony in personally vulnerable social situations, local wedding reception attendee Will Harris announced Saturday he would attempt to mock other people's dance moves before gathering the courage to start non-ironically dancing himself. "I plan to start off whispering and pointing at everyone, which is a defense mechanism used to hide my jealousy toward those who can dance without caring what other people think," Harris told reporters. "Then I will do some silly moves, like the robot, the running man, and maybe an invisible lasso in order demean the entire act of dancing so that I can feel a false sense of superiority over those around me. Then I will finally work my way up to actually moving my head with the beat." Sources familiar with Harris said his reluctance was understandable, since he looks like a total idiot on the dance floor.

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