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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Man To Make Fun Of Dancing For A Bit Before Nervously Joining In

NEW YORK—Citing self-consciousness, an inability to let loose, and a knee-jerk tendency to rely on irony in personally vulnerable social situations, local wedding reception attendee Will Harris announced Saturday he would attempt to mock other people's dance moves before gathering the courage to start non-ironically dancing himself. "I plan to start off whispering and pointing at everyone, which is a defense mechanism used to hide my jealousy toward those who can dance without caring what other people think," Harris told reporters. "Then I will do some silly moves, like the robot, the running man, and maybe an invisible lasso in order demean the entire act of dancing so that I can feel a false sense of superiority over those around me. Then I will finally work my way up to actually moving my head with the beat." Sources familiar with Harris said his reluctance was understandable, since he looks like a total idiot on the dance floor.

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