adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man To Run Naked Through Streets Tonight No Matter Who Wins Election

OMAHA, NE—Local man Luke Dotson, 34, told reporters this morning that, regardless of who wins today’s presidential election, he plans to take off all his clothes and run screaming through town as soon as a winner is announced. “Obama, Romney, whoever—honestly, it really doesn’t matter,” Dotson said of the ritual he engages in once every four years, rain or shine, no matter what the electoral outcome. “Don’t you see? This is about more than any one candidate. It’s about celebrating the democratic process.” At press time, local authorities were reportedly already dreading having to wrestle Dotson to the ground in a public park, as they did in 2004 and 2008.

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close