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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Area Man To Run Naked Through Streets Tonight No Matter Who Wins Election

OMAHA, NE—Local man Luke Dotson, 34, told reporters this morning that, regardless of who wins today’s presidential election, he plans to take off all his clothes and run screaming through town as soon as a winner is announced. “Obama, Romney, whoever—honestly, it really doesn’t matter,” Dotson said of the ritual he engages in once every four years, rain or shine, no matter what the electoral outcome. “Don’t you see? This is about more than any one candidate. It’s about celebrating the democratic process.” At press time, local authorities were reportedly already dreading having to wrestle Dotson to the ground in a public park, as they did in 2004 and 2008.

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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