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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Area Man To Run Naked Through Streets Tonight No Matter Who Wins Election

OMAHA, NE—Local man Luke Dotson, 34, told reporters this morning that, regardless of who wins today’s presidential election, he plans to take off all his clothes and run screaming through town as soon as a winner is announced. “Obama, Romney, whoever—honestly, it really doesn’t matter,” Dotson said of the ritual he engages in once every four years, rain or shine, no matter what the electoral outcome. “Don’t you see? This is about more than any one candidate. It’s about celebrating the democratic process.” At press time, local authorities were reportedly already dreading having to wrestle Dotson to the ground in a public park, as they did in 2004 and 2008.

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

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