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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Man To Start Curling His 2s

BURLINGTON, VT—After nearly 30 years of forming his 2s in a  "sober, ordinary" fashion, local resident Howard Shorn announced his intention Monday to begin placing a small curl at the bottom of the popular number.

"This was a big decision for me, and I hope that people, mainly those I send checks to, will support it," said Shorn, whose last shift in numeral-writing  technique came nearly five years ago when he began making his 8s with a single interconnecting curvy line rather than two separate circles.

"I think I've paid my dues and have earned the right to let my 2s bottom out with a flourish." Shorn added that if everything transitions smoothly, by late February 2010 he intends to completely overhaul the "H" in his signature.

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