adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Man To Start Curling His 2s

BURLINGTON, VT—After nearly 30 years of forming his 2s in a  "sober, ordinary" fashion, local resident Howard Shorn announced his intention Monday to begin placing a small curl at the bottom of the popular number.

"This was a big decision for me, and I hope that people, mainly those I send checks to, will support it," said Shorn, whose last shift in numeral-writing  technique came nearly five years ago when he began making his 8s with a single interconnecting curvy line rather than two separate circles.

"I think I've paid my dues and have earned the right to let my 2s bottom out with a flourish." Shorn added that if everything transitions smoothly, by late February 2010 he intends to completely overhaul the "H" in his signature.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close