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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Man To Try Showering At Night

POTOMAC, MD—In what is being called a paradigm shift in shower-taking ideology, Matt Kirsch, 27, announced Tuesday his intention to go against a lifetime of bathing tradition by showering at night instead of in the morning. "For as long as I can remember, I have only showered between the hours of 6 and 11 a.m., but as of late I have been filled with questions as to what it would be like to shower right before bed," a robed Kirsch told reporters standing outside his bathroom. "Will the 30 extra minutes of sleep in the morning give me more energy? Will the night shower relax me before bed or have the complete opposite effect? How will going to bed with a wet head affect how my hair looks in the morning? These are just some of the questions I hope to answer." At the conclusion of the press conference, Kirsch bid the reporters good night and urged them to wish him luck.

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