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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Man To Try Showering At Night

POTOMAC, MD—In what is being called a paradigm shift in shower-taking ideology, Matt Kirsch, 27, announced Tuesday his intention to go against a lifetime of bathing tradition by showering at night instead of in the morning. "For as long as I can remember, I have only showered between the hours of 6 and 11 a.m., but as of late I have been filled with questions as to what it would be like to shower right before bed," a robed Kirsch told reporters standing outside his bathroom. "Will the 30 extra minutes of sleep in the morning give me more energy? Will the night shower relax me before bed or have the complete opposite effect? How will going to bed with a wet head affect how my hair looks in the morning? These are just some of the questions I hope to answer." At the conclusion of the press conference, Kirsch bid the reporters good night and urged them to wish him luck.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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