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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Area Man Training For Upcoming Sanford And Son Marathon

SHELTON, CT—Ever since Alex Bryce was a boy, he has dreamed of participating in a TV marathon. Now, at age 26, he is days from making that dream a reality.

Alex Bryce, 26, in the midst of his strictly regimented workout routine.

This weekend's Sanford And Son marathon on TV Land is the ultimate test of a watcher's endurance, and Bryce plans to watch the entire 48-hour event, which comprises 96 half-hour episodes with two-minute commercial checkpoints at 11-minute intervals.

"Marathons are exhausting, but exhilarating," said Bryce, who has completed four prestigious TV mini-marathons, including the grueling "Ab Fab Friday." "Afterwards, my muscles are stiff and my eyes are bloodshot, but it's always worth it."

Bryce, a recreational TV watcher whose personal best is 16 hours, has been on a strict training regimen for six months. He wakes up daily at 5 a.m., slips on his sweats, and immediately hits the couch to watch television. On hard training days, he watches Sanford And Son DVDs.

"I'm always tempted to get up off the couch or fast-forward, but I remind myself that every time I cheat, it hurts my chances on the big day," Bryce said. "When I feel my resolve slipping, I recline as much as I can or cover myself with a cushion. That usually does the trick."

Bryce added: "But the best thing a marathoner can do to delay the onset of discomfort is begin properly, by warming up with a hot bowl of chili and stretching out on the couch."

Bryce underscored the importance of carbo-loading and regular hydration, saying, "I don't want to be like that guy who passed out during the Happy Days marathon because he hadn't been drinking enough Mountain Dew."

"Doritos, pizza, M&M's, Yoo-hoo: anything that doesn't require you to go to the fridge," Bryce said. "Right now, I can barely move. So I'm right where I want to be."

The repetitiveness of the Sanford And Son marathon course, which includes 97 feigned heart attacks, 165 utterances of the word "dummy," and 44 appearances by ugly old Aunt Esther, frequently drives seasoned watchers to drop out prematurely. To minimize the risk of failure, Bryce has been mentally preparing himself for the weekend's trial.

"I visualize myself sitting still through the tougher parts [of the marathon], so I don't lose focus and change channels during a cameo by Lena Horne," Bryce said.

Veteran TV marathoner Andrew Lederle predicted that Bryce may have trouble lasting through season two's laborious exchanges between Fred and his friend Bubba Bexley. If Bryce can weather that stretch, Lederle said, he could very well experience the storied "watcher's high" around the third season, when the show really hits its stride.

"Hopefully he'll catch his second wind right around 'Ol' Brown Eyes,' when Fred is convinced that the engraved ring Lamont got him was actually stolen from Frank Sinatra," Lederle said. "It's all downhill from there."

Bryce is currently taking a few "recovery days" in preparation for the grueling marathon.

"Once I make it through, I'll know I've accomplished something incredible," Bryce said.

Bryce added: "This is the big one."

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